Because text takes up very little room on the website...

Writings

Yes, I wrote most of these for school assignments. The texts are arranged in each section from newest to oldest.

Stories:

The Epic of Frito-Lay - There are two stories on this page about chips, but only this one features the kind made out of corn. The “corn chip,” if you will. It is written in the style of an epic poem for minimum comprehensibility (yes, that’s a word).

The Iron Cats: Total Bando Retribution – My magnum opus (which isn’t saying anything). Unlike the other things on this page, I basically just wrote this out of boredom. It’s about several band members and their various foibles, hijinks, and crazy psychotic ramblings. Their band is kind of like my high school band, except 1) it’s a bit bigger and 2) everyone hates each other.

The Detective of Indeterminate Affairs – It’s a story about a detective. An incompetent detective. Like, he’s not very good.

Untitled for Reasons of Artistic Protest – A joint effort between Tim Cama and me from a while ago. Always chain your locker to the ground.

Ted’s Paper – This is a short story about a college student’s wicked hangover.

Fred McGarrick, Male Secretary – I wrote about a man who had the most revered and respected of all occupations, the job of a male secretary.

The Principal of Thoz: The Play - This play was based on a story I wrote in school. I wrote the play in fifth grade, so the level of idiocy is dangerously high.

(Fake) Articles:

Relatively New! Your Friendly Horoscope – This is actually the second time that I put a fake horoscope in a school newspaper. In eighth grade, I put the lyrics of the “Weird Al” Yankovic song “Your Horoscope for Today” in an issue of the middle school newspaper to appease whiny students who wanted me to add a horoscope to satisfy their mid-day fortunetelling fix. However, this horoscope, appearing in the high school newspaper my senior year, was written by me.

Senior Ball Disrupted by Abominable Snowman - This was a fake article I wrote for the school newspaper. Due to a page-related misunderstanding, it was never published, so this article is a ***Website Exclusive.*** (There aren’t enough asterisks in the world to convey its extreme exclusive-ness.)

PSSA Prompt – Not as boring as it sounds – this was my humorous response to a horribly trite PSSA writing prompt.

Man Eats Ham, Chokes – I wrote this article as a sample of my beautiful journalism skills for Newspaper class in tenth grade. The article is very brief, and very fake.

May 19, 2007 was the first day of the rest of your life.